Recently, I’ve had cause to believe that not all are the same despite whatever similarities they might have or whatever name they share. Walking into church on Sunday, I put my theory to test. After all, one has to observe…or is it experiment?
Group 1 : Borderline Crazily Religious Bigots.
You do not want go mess with this group bro. They take everything seriously. Scratch that, they take things on a very serious but crazy level of serious. Mr Peter is a good example. He gets to church an hour before (not that it’s bad), deals with any child that misses church (beating is different from dealing with, trust me). In other words, The TV is an instrument of the devil, the phone is a demonic device and sex originated from the pit of hell. You would have to show your Worker’s meeting certificate, Baptism certificate, Believer’s class certificate and the list goes on to date his daughter. In church, he doesn’t move from one spot, and God help the child that is caught opening eyes.
Group 2 : The Toned down bigot
These ones don’t appear bad when you see them. Unlike the crazy bigots, the toned down bigot is actually a bit reasonable. An example of this is Mrs Williams. The only reason her son was allowed to come for my sister’s 10th birthday was only because my Dad teased her about being too tight and she respects my Dad a lot. They might also share the same extremist ideas with the crazy bigots but aren’t so vocal about it until you get to know them.She chased her maid out because the poor girl had taken a fancy to attachments. Running down the street, she kept on shouting “The devil is a liar in your life! I’m going to remove that demon from your head!!!” Same goes with Brother Tope who has been eyeing me the way I eye meatpie. He would then go on to quote a Bible verse, telling me how my lipstick has demons in it. “If you were my wife ehn, all these things will not be strange to you.” I would then feign surprise. “Really??? It’s a pity I’m engaged.” God forbid bad thing!
Group 3 : The Calm Religious
These ones are quite normal. Their ideas are very simple and easy to relate too. They are the kind who are simply into religion for either peace of mind or sometimes purely because they believe in a bigger place out of this world and would love to make it there. These ones are contributors, workers and pure lovers of God. Most of those in these group, if not all are born again. Like my best friend, Sheila. “It’s your relationship with God that’s super important. All these yeye doctrines that we make for ourselves are just unnecessary.” I totally agree with her..not because she’s my best friend.
Group 4 : The Cool Religious
Now these ones! They are super cool.. .or in a bigot term, earthly. These ones don’t care actually. They just wanna have fun. These are the kind you would want to sit down next to so that they can tell you what’s been popping, the latest gist and who’s dating who. In other words, their spiritual life is practically nonexistent as they have neither faith or any spiritual substance to offer. Lala sat down beside me last Sunday and she kept going on and on about Adekunle Gold’s album and why he’s her MCM. She also mentioned some ridiculous rumor about our Pastor dating his secretary. This ones can scatter church biko. Personally, I was disturbed but then when she started saying something about Brymo, I dropped my pen and had to listen! It’s not my fault na. The information might be useful. So after the service, Bro Tope rushed over to my side.
“I noticed you weren’t listening during service. My dear, stay away from that girl o. She’s distracting you from receiving your blessing.”
“You are right. Thank you.” I said, truly sober.
“Anyway, I received something from the Lord yesterday. It’s about your fiancé. You need to be careful.” He began to open his Bible.
At that moment, my blood began to boil. Luckily for me, Lala came out of nowhere and dragged me along with her.
Whew! Somebody would have gotten a tongue lashing if not for Lala.
So which group are you in?